Permission to feel
Justin Kistan • June 18, 2020
Permission to feel
There is an ancient curse, most likely apocryphal, that goes, ‘May you live in interesting times’. And that is exactly where we find ourselves today. Things couldn’t get more interesting. We’re living out our very own apocalyptic science fiction movie with us cast in the role of the unlikely reluctant leads. Okay. Apocalyptic may be stretching it a bit I know. Things are going to get better. You know it and I know it. But it certainly feels ‘apocalypse’ sometimes, doesn’t it? And that there is the heart of it, feelings, and how to deal with them in these interesting times.
In his book, Permission to Feel, Yale Professor Marc Brackett, outlines an approach to effectively managing your feelings/emotions. By allowing ourselves to fully embrace and embody our emotions we can use them to wisely help realise not only our full potential but the infinite potential of our children as well.
His approach is summarised in the acronym he uses, RULER. It’s emotional intelligence at its best and some skills worth developing and practicing.
• Recognize our own emotions and those of others. Are you aware of the emotions you’re experiencing? Can you recognize what others are feeling? Can you accept the emotion and then choose more effective thoughts and behaviours to improve your level of happiness and theirs? Keep in mind, self-awareness and the ability to change our moods are basically the same thing.
• Understand those feelings and where they’re coming from—what experiences actually caused them—and then see how they’ve influenced our behaviours and thoughts. This can inform better decision-making in the future.
• Label emotions with clear-cut terms. If you are able to correctly label the emotion you are feeling, you are able to generate greater self-awareness and communicate your emotions to others more effectively. This clarity of self-awareness of what you are feeling will also help you regain a sense of equanimity or balance after you’ve had an emotional wobble.
• Express our feelings in a way that tries to inform and invites empathy from the listener. Expressing emotions competently means knowing how and when to show our emotions, depending on the situation, the people we’re engaging with, and the social context we find ourselves in.
• Regulate emotions, rather than let them regulate us, by finding practical strategies for dealing with what we and others feel. We are all going through an emotional storm right now. How we weather this storm depends on our ability to manage our emotions. We may not be able to control how negative emotions arise but we have some control over how long they last. Exercise, prayer, meditation, performing small tasks, enjoying a treat or helping others are effective remedies in regaining our sunny dispositions. Cognitive reframing or being able to accept our current circumstances as they are and then see how we can reinterpret them in a more empowering way is also a very powerful tool.
The first three skills helps to correctly identify and interpret what we and others are feeling. Then, the two remaining skills tell us how we can manage those emotions to achieve desired consequences which is our ultimate goal.
Regularly practicing these skills with awareness and informed intent will help us to better understand ourselves and others. To show us how we can help ourselves and others.
Another emotion we should be paying attention to and not neglect during these times is Hope. Hope is the belief that our future will be better than our present and that things will get better. However Hope only works if it is fuelled by Will. We need to take informed action - to harness our will, bound by determination and dedicate ourselves to making that hopeful future a happy reality.
Remember. We’re all retired teenagers. We know what adolescent angst and ennui feels like, especially now. If you were lucky you had people in your life back then who made you feel better, who made you believe that things were going to get better. Even if you didn’t, now’s the chance to heal. To the people around you right now, be who you needed when you were younger.
In the words of comedian and philosopher Garry Shandling:
Give more.
Give what you didn’t get.
Love more.
Drop the old story.
It does feel like a curse sometimes but you know what? Interesting Times make for interesting people. The word Prosperity from its Latin roots means “to go forward with hope.” As we step into a bold new era in our shared existence, let us prosper together.
Justin Kistan – Global Perspectives and History teacher
Crawford College North Coast
A Lifelong Educator Mr Chris Herbst has spent 41 years in the classroom. With a Bachelor of Education from the University of the Witwatersrand, he has taught countless learners over the decades. He joined Crawford International Sandton in 1999 and currently teaches Afrikaans to students from Grade 8 to Grade 12. His role spans across five different year groups, a challenge he embraces. “I have my hands full as I navigate the excitement and challenges of teaching an additional language to five different grades,” he says. Why Teaching Still Matters For Mr Herbst, teaching is not a job. It is something he feels deeply connected to. “Teaching is my great passion and calling. The classroom is where I find my motivation and inspiration,” he shares. “When we have a really good lesson and I see our students leave having learned something new, or figured out a challenging concept, then I am motivated and inspired all over again.” These everyday moments keep him grounded in his purpose. They are the quiet victories that reaffirm his place in the classroom. Freedom to Teach with Meaning Mr Herbst values Crawford’s approach to learning, particularly the way it supports teacher agency and student-centred learning. “I love the fact that the focus is student-centred, and that as teachers we have the freedom and the responsibility to create a teaching and learning environment that works best for every learning need,” he says. He believes this flexibility allows for learning to become more meaningful. “If I identify that a particular topic or poem has piqued the interest of my class, I have the freedom to delve deeper and really explore the subject matter without being bound by rigid syllabus rules and time frames.” Connecting Language to the Real World Teaching Afrikaans in a school where it is often an additional language means finding ways to make it resonate. Mr Herbst understands that for many students, the subject may not come naturally. “For many students, learning another language may initially feel like a requirement rather than a passion,” he explains. To bridge that gap, he brings the language to life through content that students can relate to. “It’s important to integrate engaging, real-world content such as music, movies, and stories that align with the students’ interests.” These tools, he believes, help students see the language in context and build an emotional connection to it. A Teaching Legacy Over the course of his career, Mr Herbst has taught more than one generation in the same family. It is a milestone he reflects on with pride. “I have taught students who are now parents, and I am teaching their children today. It doesn’t get better than that.” But what stands out most for him is being remembered. “By far my biggest kick is when a past student recognises me and comes over to strike up a conversation and talk about their life and work after school.”
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ALUMNI SPOTLIGHT: DYLAN BIZJAK Crawford International Sandton From the classrooms of Crawford International Sandton to the forefront of aeronautical engineering in the Netherlands, Dylan Bizjak’s journey is one of ambition, resilience and innovation . Pursuing a Passion for Engineering After matriculating in 2019, Dylan initially pursued Aeronautical Engineering at Wits University. However, six months into his studies, a new opportunity emerged, one that would take him beyond South Africa’s borders. He secured a place at Inholland University of Applied Sciences in Delft, Netherlands, where he embraced the challenge of international study, even navigating his first year remotely due to the pandemic. Now a graduate with a BSc in Aeronautical Engineering (2024), Dylan has stepped into the professional world, joining Eve Reverse, a pioneering start-up dedicated to climate-positive innovation. What began as an internship in his final year evolved into a full-time role as a Research and Development Engineer, where he contributes to the creation of sustainable, carbon-negative materials. His proudest achievement? Playing a key role in the development of the Eve Dry Tile, an innovative flax fibre material designed to reduce emissions and waste in manufacturing. Achievements at Crawford International Sandton Gareth Beach Award (2019) – Recognised for bravery, dedication, self-development and outstanding achievement in swimming. Sportsman of the Year (2019) – Acknowledged for excellence in swimming, basketball and boxing. Reflections on Crawford Dylan credits his time at Crawford for preparing him for both academic and personal success on the global stage. “Crawford’s approach equips you for university and beyond, whether in South Africa or internationally. It’s not just about academics but about becoming a well-rounded critical thinker and team player. Exposure to diverse cultures, teamwork, individuality and taking responsibility for my outcomes were invaluable lessons I carried with me.” Words of Wisdom To his younger self, Dylan would say: “Step out of your comfort zone sooner. Growth happens when you challenge yourself. Leaving home was tough, but the personal and professional growth was worth every stumble along the way.” Dylan’s story is a testament to courage, hard work and the power of embracing the unknown. From South Africa to the Netherlands, he is proving that the sky isn’t the limit, it is just the beginning.
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