Blog Post

Permission to feel

Justin Kistan • June 18, 2020

Permission to feel

A glass bottle with a cork and a red heart on a table.
There is an ancient curse, most likely apocryphal, that goes, ‘May you live in interesting times’. And that is exactly where we find ourselves today. Things couldn’t get more interesting. We’re living out our very own apocalyptic science fiction movie with us cast in the role of the unlikely reluctant leads. Okay. Apocalyptic may be stretching it a bit I know. Things are going to get better. You know it and I know it. But it certainly feels ‘apocalypse’ sometimes, doesn’t it? And that there is the heart of it, feelings, and how to deal with them in these interesting times. 
In his book, Permission to Feel, Yale Professor Marc Brackett, outlines an approach to effectively managing your feelings/emotions. By allowing ourselves to fully embrace and embody our emotions we can use them to wisely help realise not only our full potential but the infinite potential of our children as well.   
His approach is summarised in the acronym he uses, RULER. It’s emotional intelligence at its best and some skills worth developing and practicing. 
• Recognize our own emotions and those of others. Are you aware of the emotions you’re experiencing? Can you recognize what others are feeling? Can you accept the emotion and then choose more effective thoughts and behaviours to improve your level of happiness and theirs? Keep in mind, self-awareness and the ability to change our moods are basically the same thing.
• Understand those feelings and where they’re coming from—what experiences actually caused them—and then see how they’ve influenced our behaviours and thoughts. This can inform better decision-making in the future.  
• Label emotions with clear-cut terms. If you are able to correctly label the emotion you are feeling, you are able to generate greater self-awareness and communicate your emotions to others more effectively. This clarity of self-awareness of what you are feeling will also help you regain a sense of equanimity or balance after you’ve had an emotional wobble.   
• Express our feelings in a way that tries to inform and invites empathy from the listener. Expressing emotions competently means knowing how and when to show our emotions, depending on the situation, the people we’re engaging with, and the social context we find ourselves in.
• Regulate emotions, rather than let them regulate us, by finding practical strategies for dealing with what we and others feel. We are all going through an emotional storm right now. How we weather this storm depends on our ability to manage our emotions. We may not be able to control how negative emotions arise but we have some control over how long they last. Exercise, prayer, meditation, performing small tasks, enjoying a treat or helping others are effective remedies in regaining our sunny dispositions. Cognitive reframing or being able to accept our current circumstances as they are and then see how we can reinterpret them in a more empowering way is also a very powerful tool. 
The first three skills helps to correctly identify and interpret what we and others are feeling. Then, the two remaining skills tell us how we can manage those emotions to achieve desired consequences which is our ultimate goal.
Regularly practicing these skills with awareness and informed intent will help us to better understand ourselves and others. To show us how we can help ourselves and others. 
Another emotion we should be paying attention to and not neglect during these times is Hope. Hope is the belief that our future will be better than our present and that things will get better. However Hope only works if it is fuelled by Will. We need to take informed action - to harness our will, bound by determination and dedicate ourselves to making that hopeful future a happy reality. 
Remember. We’re all retired teenagers. We know what adolescent angst and ennui feels like, especially now. If you were lucky you had people in your life back then who made you feel better, who made you believe that things were going to get better. Even if you didn’t, now’s the chance to heal. To the people around you right now, be who you needed when you were younger.
In the words of comedian and philosopher Garry Shandling:
Give more.
Give what you didn’t get.
Love more.
Drop the old story.
It does feel like a curse sometimes but you know what? Interesting Times make for interesting people. The word Prosperity from its Latin roots means “to go forward with hope.” As we step into a bold new era in our shared existence, let us prosper together.

Justin Kistan – Global Perspectives and History teacher
Crawford College North Coast

February 7, 2025
A Guide for First-Time School Parents With the first term of the year now well underway, families with school-going children are settling into routines. For many, this includes preparing little ones for their very first day of school, a milestone that brings excitement and perhaps a touch of nervousness. Starting school is a significant chapter not only for children but also for parents who are navigating this journey for the first time. From choosing the right school to managing separation anxiety and building new routines, the experience can feel both rewarding and daunting. This guide is designed to provide practical points and reassurance, helping first-time school parents make the most of this transformative time. Preparing for the First Day of School Preparation is key to ensuring a smooth start to the school year. Begin by establishing a routine that aligns with the school schedule a few weeks before the term begins. This includes waking up at the same time, practising getting ready, and having breakfast together. Shopping for school stationery is another important task. Involve your child in picking out their school bag, stationery, and uniform. This can help create a sense of excitement and ownership over the process. Familiarise your child with the school environment before their first day. Many schools offer orientation sessions or open days. If this is an option, make sure to attend. Walking around the campus and meeting some of the staff can help reduce first-day nerves (Department of Basic Education, 2023). Choosing the Right School Selecting a school is one of the most crucial decisions parents make. Factors to consider include the school’s curriculum, location, fees, and extracurricular offerings. Visit the schools you’re considering to observe the environment and meet the teaching staff. Talk to other parents in your community for recommendations. Their experiences can provide valuable insights into a school’s strengths and areas for improvement. Remember to involve your child in the decision-making process, especially if they are old enough to articulate their preferences. Understanding School Communication Channels Effective communication is essential for staying informed about your child’s progress and school activities. Familiarise yourself with the school’s communication tools, whether they use newsletters, emails, or dedicated apps. For example, Crawford International uses the Toddle platform to facilitate seamless communication between parents and teachers. Parents can instantly share concerns, track academic progress, or even discuss issues requiring immediate attention. Open communication ensures you remain an active participant in your child’s education. Helping Your Child Adjust The transition to school can be challenging, especially for younger children. Encourage open conversations about their feelings and reassure them that it’s normal to feel a mix of emotions. Reading books about starting school or sharing your own positive school memories can help your child develop a more optimistic outlook. Gradually increase their independence at home by assigning small tasks, such as packing their school bag or setting the table. If possible, arrange playdates with classmates before school starts. Building friendships early on can ease the transition and give your child familiar faces to look forward to seeing. Balancing Schoolwork and After-School Activities While academics are important, extracurricular programmes offer children a chance to explore their interests and develop new skills. Whether it’s sports, music, or coding classes, these activities provide a well-rounded experience. However, it’s crucial to strike a balance. Overscheduling can lead to fatigue and stress. Aim for a manageable routine that allows your child to enjoy after-school activities without compromising on homework or relaxation time. Create a weekly calendar to plan your child’s schedule. This not only helps with time management but also ensures you can monitor their workload and adjust when necessary. Building a Homework Routine Homework can become a source of stress if not managed well. Establish a designated homework area in your home that is quiet and free from distractions. Set a consistent time for homework each day, and ensure all necessary supplies are easily accessible. While it’s important to supervise, avoid completing tasks for your child. Instead, offer guidance and encourage problem-solving. Praise their efforts rather than just the outcomes to build confidence and resilience. Getting Involved in the School Community Active participation in the school community strengthens your connection with the institution and provides opportunities to support your child’s education. Attend parent-teacher meetings, volunteer for school events, or join the parent association if one exists. Engaging with other parents can also create a support network where you can share advice and experiences. Schools often host social events or workshops, which are great for meeting other families and feeling more integrated into the community. The journey of sending your child to school for the first time is filled with opportunities for growth for both you and your child. With thoughtful preparation and open communication, the transition can be a positive and enriching experience. Remember, the first step is often the hardest, but it also sets the foundation for a lifelong love of learning.
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